Saying Goodbye To Austin

Austin, my brother from another mother.

Grief is funny. I mean, not ha ha kind of funny, more of a complicated dark humour.  We knew the day was coming.  Austin died in the same way as my Nana, in a slow and steady decline that went on and on for years.  Dying of old age often means that your mind or body gives out on you.  For my sweet Nana it was her mind, but for our Austie boy, it was his body.  Both instances were tough to witness, but also a small gift to the rest of us in a way, as we all get the unique chance to soak up extra time.  The opportunity for a long, drawn out farewell.  Holding on to each hug a bit tighter and making sure your love for them is known with each interaction.

My parents did not want to own a dog ever again.  My brother, Tavis, and I begged for one all the time, but they’d had a traumatic experience with a pet store beagle named Sunshine in the 80’s and they’d decided, “Never again.”  Of course, never was, until a kid on Tavis’s soccer team brought a litter of new golden retriever puppies to a Saturday game.  My mom didn’t stand a chance.  She insisted that I join her for a puppy visit at their home the next day.  “Just to see how cute they are, because you’d missed them at the game.  Not to take one home or anything, we’re not getting a dog” she’d told me.  We arrived back home 2 hours later with a pro/con list and sales pitch to my dad about why we needed one of these puppies.  What responsible dog owners we’d all be.  He managed to fight us on the matter for an entire evening, but the next day, it was 3 against 1 decided.  We were getting a puppy!  The last one available from the litter, in fact.  Tav and I came up with three name options: Atticus, Wesley, and Austin.  We left the final call up to my dad, who decided that Austin best suited this blonde beauty.

Born on St. Patrick’s Day 2003, Austin was a prized 5th member of the Quan family.  My mom’s ‘Golden Boy’ as she likes to call him.  We were all “Austin…errr….Tavis…errr…Alicia” from that day on.  He outlived both of his parents and every single one of his siblings and was with us for almost 15 years.  Tough as nails, that dog.  He was as sweet as sweet Goldens can be.  Loved his walks and would do anything for food, or anything that he thought was food.  Austin devoured many questionable things over the years.  Most notably the leftover pancake breakfast incident when he ate an entire stick of butter and was covered in maple syrup.  There was the time he ate a large bag of cherries when my Auntie Lynn was taking care of him, which I’m sure was a mess in every way imaginable.  His favourite activity for a while was counter surfing and devouring entire loaves of bread if he was ever left alone.  Plastic really didn’t seem to bother him, he wasn’t choosy with his binge eating habits.  He was a suck for pets and attention, which only magnified over the years.  Whenever I’d come home to visit he’d go around to each person in the room, nudging their hand with his head, instructing them to start petting him.  He was simple and clever and adorable.

Deciding when to say the final goodbye was, as you can imagine, tricky.  None of us were in agreement.  My dad couldn’t face it, kept insisting that it wasn’t time.  My mom struggled to know if he was comfortable enough to stay with us a bit longer.  Tavis did what he could to support them and help out with Austin.  I did what I could do help my family talk through it.  How do you decide when put a dog down?  My mom struggled with the procedure itself, knowing that if the vet came to the house to do it, Austin would be excited about a visitor, or if they went to the veterinary clinic to do it, he would be excited about going. “But then his last emotion will be excitement,” Tavis concluded, “Which is a wonderful last emotion to feel.”  That brought comfort to us.

On the eve of my 31st birthday, while I sat on the couch in Malta of all places, my brother texted me that he was so sorry but that it was happening.  Austin was in too much pain.  I knew this moment was on the horizon, and yet, I was surprisingly overcome with grief.  I cried for hours and didn’t sleep that night.  I think it was a mix of being away from everyone and feeling a bit helpless, and of course, mourning the loss of the favourite member of the family.  Anyone who has ever had to say goodbye to a family pet knows what I’m talking about.

Today, Reggie and I are going to drive out to my hometown and join my parents and brother for a walk.  We’re all going to take his favourite route and spread his ashes in his favourite spot.  His final resting place.  And since I didn’t get the chance in person, I just wanted to say one last goodbye, my sweet Austin.  We love you and miss you every day.