This is just an excuse to post a wedding photo, 3 years later 😉
Last year when I wrote a little something about what a frustrating time we were going through in our marriage, it struck a chord with a lot of people. Healthy conflict within relationships isn’t necessarily widely shared, and I think it was a sigh of relief for a lot of people, like, “Oh, they have problems too!” Our second year of marriage was definitely the toughest within our 11+ years together and I’m glad I opened up to share that with you.
If you’re looking for an update, we’re still married! It took a ton of work on ourselves and our relationship, but things are much different and vastly improved compared to last year. And thank goodness we’d done the work because we’ve endured some tragedy and grieving over the last year and I’m not sure our relationship would have been okay without a strong foundation.
I’ve been doing a lot of reflection on the past year and wanted to share three big lessons that I’ve learned in our marriage. This list is not really surface level “laugh every day and don’t go to bed angry” kind of advice, so it might not be your thing. But, if you want to get in the nitty gritty inner workings of things, then here you go!
You Have To Work On Yourself
I’m not talking about going to the gym and consumerism self-care like bath bombs and reading books (though, all lovely and welcome activities). Let me lay it out for you. Adam and I were both in denial, especially of our emotions, stressed about everything, and hit total burn out in our careers and life. The first step was acknowledging this, but the next was seeking outside support. We both go to individual counselling (still haven’t been together, though I’m sure it’ll inevitably happen one day) and have committed to this practice for life. I cannot even tell you how incredible the outside emotional support has been and I cannot recommend it enough!
I have done so much soul searching over the last year, it has been…exhausting. Every day feels like an emotional rollercoaster and it’s the toughest struggle I’ve ever endured. Honestly? I’m already so much happier for it. It’s messy and uncomfortable work, but I know that the long-term effects are going to be incredible.
Adjust Your Expectations
We didn’t know it, but we had completely unrealistic expectations of ourselves. Including terribly harsh inner dialogue with criticism of ourselves and each other. Think about it, if your inner voice is saying “You suck, you can’t even put the dishes away!” that is only going to lead to you critiquing your partner for the same thing. Then everyone is annoyed and the cycle will repeat…forever?! It all made for a life of frustration and anxiety. Once we both pinpointed this, it changed everything. Compassion and grace for yourself will translate to patience, compassion, and grace for others. I’m no longer filled with rage when Adam does something that used to annoy me. This translates to your expectation within all relationships in your life.
Another outlook we’ve changed within our marriage is the idea that we needed big, grand life events to be successful. Maybe I’m veering too far off with this one, but we stopped absorbing the comparison of others and competing in the “rat race”. We didn’t need to get a bigger place, a fancy job title, or lavish vacations to be happy. We learned to slow down and appreciate the beauty in everyday, mundane moments. To have gratitude for what we have and not focus on what we don’t. Anyway, I can go into more detail on this if you want, let me know. I could do an entire essay on simplifying life.
Vulnerability Within Communication
Everyone will tell you that communication is key, and they aren’t wrong. I mean, bless, I gave the same advice in this post. Turns out that you can get by with surface level communication for a LONG time. We’d still have meaningful conversations, of course, but we wouldn’t really dig deep and be vulnerable with each other. We didn’t share our darkest fears and our struggles, our guilt and our shame. Our messiness was kept inside and just created a superstorm of confusion. You shouldn’t have to walk on eggshells and avoid expressing your true feelings to your partner. Keeping it bottled up only makes things worse.
I have more about it coming up in a future post, but we both read Brene Brown’s ‘The Gifts Of Imperfection’ and it was really insightful. It put things into perspective in terms of vulnerability and shame. I think everyone needs to read it, especially if you’re a high achiever/people pleaser/perfectionist. All qualities that I thought were great, that turned out to be making my life really difficult in my late twenties and early thirties.
That’s what I came up with at the moment. Looking forward to many more years and lessons to learn. What’s something important that you’ve realized in your relationship? Would love you to share it in the comments below!
Photo by Shari and Mike
And, in honour of our third wedding anniversary, here’s a little stroll down memory lane:
Our Rehearsal
Our Wedding Day
Our Wedding Highlight Video
WedLuxe Bride Spotlight
15 Favourite Wedding Moments
Hitched
My Wedding Decor Secrets
That Time We Had A Second Wedding
Wow Alicia these are such good pieces of advice. It’s so easy to get into a habit of coasting along, and not putting in the hard work on yourself and your marriage. I remember someone telling us a long time ago that no relationship is static, and if you’re not actively working on growing/deepening/bettering etc a relationship, that relationship is going to be in decline. No such thing as cruise control haha! Thanks so much for talking openly about this, it’s so important!
I love Brene Brown’s speaking/writing – going to have to add that book to my list!
Thanks so much for reading and for sharing your thoughts, Meghan! That’s such great advice, it’s so true! Let me know what you think about the gifts of imperfection. I read the chapter on authenticity 4 times in a row, it was that delicious lol.
Wow! I so appreciate your vulnerability in sharing this with us, your readers. And I appreciate that this isn’t the typical “surface” advice as you say. I am in the middle of the same Brené Brown book myself (since I am one of “those” people as well:). Thanks for this post!
Thank you so much, Leanne! Working a lot on vulnerability, so that means a lot. I’m really glad you’re reading the gifts of imperfection as well! Isn’t it amazing?! I had to take breaks, it was so true and heavy at times.
Alicia, this is such a great share — thank you for sharing your words, thoughts and wisdom with everyone. Marriage isn’t easy, I don’t know who ever said it was. I never expected just how our lives change just after we put on a white dress, a tux and with the exchange of two small rings. We’ve just passed our first year and there are SO much that we’re learning from each other, that we sometimes forget about learning from ourselves. Vulnerability is such a big issue and I too struggle with it, especially in midst of what and when you think you’re communicating well.
It’s so calming to know (not that I’m happy you too are experiencing it) that everyone is in this boat together and how we all are sharing our experiences in hopes of opening a new means of communication. Thanks, Love.
This was such a nice thing to share. Thank you for being so honest about your struggles and the fact that nope, marriage isn’t perfect! We all know relationships are work, so it’s nice when others are just honest about it! It’s ok to be vulnerable, it’s ok to go to counselling, it’s ok for things to not be perfect! I’m getting married next summer and I’m so damn glad that women like you are out there talking about the real stuff. Thnx girl!
This is such a beautiful and raw post! I admire and appreciate your honesty and vulnerability to express these feelings that are so personal. I too am a huge perfectionist and, in turn, I tend to knit-pick at others. I am very intrigued to read that book you suggested. Thank you again for your motivating and inspirational words!!