I’m finally publishing this at 25 weeks, so I’d say I’m nailing this Motherhood thing already. I’ll probably be that person developing newborn photos when this kid is in elementary school. No really, I wanted to make sure I got all my thoughts down about what the first half of this pregnancy has been like because time felt like it was crawling until it wasn’t and now I can’t believe that we’ll be meeting baby in just a few months. This post has been a long time coming, but here goes.
We found out on Father’s Day. We’d both suspected it, as I was mildly nauseous the entire week leading up to Sunday, June 16th and besides the odd hangover, nausea isn’t something I would normally experience. I set my alarm for 7 am, unable to wait for a second longer. Adam woke up as per usual, forgetting my plan to pee on a stick. I stood alone in the bathroom and witnessed a second pink line appear for the very first time. I stepped out of the bathroom in mild shock, grinning like a Cheshire cat.
I was all over the place that first week. I happened to take a prenatal vitamin the morning we found out because we’d been sort of trying since January and I’d long before given up on taking them. Suddenly panicked about having to care for something growing within me, I took one of the large prenatals that had been sitting in the cupboard for the last few years (they weren’t set to expire until a month later, so we were still good). Except that we weren’t good. First of all, I took the prenatal vitamin in the morning and learned the hard way that to limit nausea, it’s best to take them at night. Also, I didn’t bother reading what was in said vitamin, and they were not vegetarian-friendly (I’ve been vegetarian since I was 2 years old). My system rejected me so terribly, I threw up all the celebratory pizza we’d had for dinner and more. I was finally done puking the next morning and spend the next day completely exhausted. Don’t worry, I’ve since found vegetarian prenatal vitamins and they’ve been great!
If you’d asked me last year what I envisioned the beginning of pregnancy to be like, I’d have described a dreamy movie-worthy sequence. Soft morning light, me in a gauzy white nightgown, touching my still flat tummy as I stare off reflecting on my gratitude for creating this life. What I’d never considered before conceiving, was how a surge of hormones would affect me. How the cocktail of those raging hormones combined with the worst fatigue imaginable, would lead to spending the hours of the day that you are awake feeling like absolute trash. How could I have known that I’d be so bloated that my usual clothing didn’t fit right away? That keeping everything a secret would be so tough. How insecure I’d be about not showing and having people constantly pointing it out. That I wouldn’t sleep through the night for my entire pregnancy. How I’d endure a bought of crippling depression and anxiety. You just can’t know until you know.
So yeah, the first trimester was a complete mindfuck. Baby starts out the size of a poppyseed. I remember sitting on our flight to Chicago, 4 days after finding out. I was eating a vegan lemon poppyseed loaf and I stared down at this delicious baked good, marvelling at just how minuscule an actual poppyseed was. It made it even more difficult to imagine what was happening inside my body.
The fragility of the first few months was a huge deterrent for me to feel any major bond towards this tiny growing thing. I think that not getting TOO attached was a defence mechanism and my way to protect my heart. It’s this internal struggle of excitement, a big secret, feeling like garbage, and extreme gratitude for this gift.
I think that a lack of connection (or at least the powerful kind I’d envisioned) so early is common. Paired with the isolation of no one else knowing, I believe that this along with the hormones caused the superstorm of first-trimester depression and anxiety that I didn’t even realize was a thing. I couldn’t get out of bed and when I did, I felt hopeless and depleted. Motivations levels weren’t low, they were non-existent. Every day felt like a fight to do mundane things and knowing that I was growing this baby was the only thing that forced me to get out and walk and still eat as healthy as possible. Moving and getting nutrients helped keep my symptoms fairly manageable and on the really bad days, I kept telling myself that, “tomorrow is a new day and things will be better.” And usually, they were. Seriously, if you’re in the early days of pregnancy and feel like crap, you are absolutely not alone in that, I promise you.
Adam has been incredible throughout my pregnancy, but especially within those first summer months. He stepped up so much when I was plagued with low mood and picked up the slack with everyday tasks and chores without hesitation. He is constantly thanking me for giving him this gift and for carrying and growing our baby and it’s so heartwarming. When I reached 13 weeks, he even asked for a performance review of his support during the first trimester. “Was I too much? Could I be doing more?” Gosh, he’s going to be the best dad.
I was extremely lucky and had very little nausea. I mean, it was still there, but compared to what I know some friends have had to endure, I had it very easy. Thanks to the time of year, my biggest craving was sparkling water. Couldn’t get enough of it! My only aversion seemed to be chocolate and sometimes textures bothered me (I opened up a banana one morning and immediately started dry heaving lol). Food-wise, I was really okay to eat my usual things, just in smaller portions and along with small healthy snacks throughout the day. Of course, we invested in a box of saltine crackers and I carried a few with me everywhere I went during those first weeks to keep any onset nausea at bay. It’s the strangest sensation for hunger to make you then feel like you might be sick. I’ve only had heartburn once thanks to a post-dinner bowl of lemon sorbet. My ears and throat closed, it was hard to breathe and, not to be dramatic, but I legitimately thought I was dying. I’d never had heartburn before, so I took a Tylenol and desperately tried to sleep. Luckily, I figured out it was actually Tums I needed at 3 AM and was able to sleep for a few hours. Ohhh sleep. I napped all the time in the first trimester and then would have to get up in the middle of the night to pee, but otherwise, sleep was fine. That turned into insomnia for my second trimester and I can’t go back to sleep for two or three hours every time I get up to use the bathroom in the night. So yeah, I guess I’ll catch up on my sleep in my 40s? Here’s hoping!
Looking back, I see nature’s plan now with those first twenty weeks. My perfect Hollywood scene of pregnancy is actually more representative of the second trimester (but still a total dream sequence). You need time. Mentally and physically. The first half of this pregnancy has already done an amazing job of preparing me for Motherhood. I haven’t slept through the night since I peed on a stick. I’ve had to learn a new level of patience. We’ve had to do a lot of boundary setting with people. There have been a few scary-to-us moments and what felt like tough decisions to make. Adam and I have had to be more of a unified team than ever before. Navigating days where I don’t feel like myself.
I know that more challenges are on the horizon, but I look forward to the rest of the pregnancy and can’t wait to meet this little babe. Thanks for being here on this journey with us, it’s been one wild and wonderful ride!
